Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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