the condom got lost in my hair
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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