I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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