just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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