I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
