I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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