Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Randomize
