I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
