Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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