If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
where does the pee come out of this thing
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
