I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
