Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
