my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
