You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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