life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
