He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
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The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
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so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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