He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
