Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
This is my gift to your gina
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
