Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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