Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The power of my boobs compel you
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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