I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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