how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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