: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
