if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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