How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
