everyone is single if you try hard enough
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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