so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
