i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize