great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
