i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
