she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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