Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
