I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
