Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.