dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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