I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
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You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.