Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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