I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
cat food counts as protein by the way
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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