If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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