The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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