The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm both gender and math confused
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
