I cannot find my penis.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
