The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do