Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm just crazy horny about you
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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