Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!