I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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