i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
