she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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