Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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