Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
