Screwed.edu
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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