call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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