It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
