Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
