Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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