Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
