i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
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Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
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Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize