I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
