I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
